27 May 2010

Before I Go.


It's 1am and I should already be sleeping. I have a 9am flight to catch. But I have to blog because I don't want to forget what I've been feeling the past days since Mama Fe passed away.

There's this pain in my heart that I cannot describe. I would cry many times during the day, mostly during short breaks from work. I'd call my sisters to ease the pain. They never fail to make me laugh, those two especially, Binky and Azenith. Their impressions and opinions and thoughts about the recent events are just so unexpected, I always find myself laughing.

When the entire family was toying at the idea of having shirts printed with 'We Love you Mama', Azenith said she wants her shirt printed with 'See You Soon.' And Binky, on the background said: add 'Real.' We laughed, trying to hold back tears.

Maybe, like me, they are also trying to ease their own pain. Maybe, like me, they are also trying to make sense of everything.

Baden was taping for a show when I broke the news to her. She knows that I am my grandparents' favorite and that I am close to my grandma, texted me many times to tell me not to cry too much.

But I have been crying. I cannot help it. I have been receiving many messages of condolences, good thoughts, Mass cards, and beautiful flowers. My friends have gathered around me, albeit some only in spirit and thoughts, like they always do when something (happy or sad) happens to me. Therese knows this - I cry when I receive kindness. Yes, my heart is connected to my tear ducts.

So, thank you. Thank you for all the flowers and notes and cookies you sent. You all have given me and my family great comfort. We feel loved. I feel loved.

In a few hours, I am going to see my grandmother in a casket. And even just the thought of it already breaks my heart.

Tell me, how does one say goodbye?

. . . . .

Photo: Bicycle at the Chinese Cemetery during a photowalk.

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16 left some love :

Cindy May 27, 2010 at 1:57 AM  

I am sorry AI.. I am not expert about this but when my father passed away, i kept my father in my heart and i never said goodbye. Just let go and we'll cry all together *hugs*. Be safe, ok.

Chelo May 27, 2010 at 2:06 AM  

"Tell me, how does one say goodbye?"

..You dont..You just say "i love you".


*hugs to you*...

Mommy Blogs May 27, 2010 at 3:00 AM  

I wish it's as easy as saying goodbye. You have to get thru the worse days of your life before you finally become better.

I feel for you Ai... I still do get bouts of crying episode whenever I remember my father.

*hugs*

julai May 27, 2010 at 4:28 AM  

Hello Ate Ai,

Have a safe trip to Cebu ate..I'm feeling the pain too ate after reading your post.:( I know it's so difficult. Just cry whenever you want to ate coz it helps to lessen the pain. You'll be healed from the pain as time goes by Ate.

Take care always.

Tita Lou May 27, 2010 at 6:05 AM  

Oh Ai. I am so sorry to hear about your grandma's passing away. It is painful and I don't know how you can ease the pain. In time . . . for now, you know she's in the hands of the Almighty.

Meikah May 27, 2010 at 10:57 AM  

Well, you don't say goodbye, but you let go. I grew up with my paternal grandparents and I saw them pass on. It was hard really, especially that I wanted them to meet my husband (at least) first before they go.

As one of their only two "apos," and the older one at that, I was busy during the wake and all, and that was when it dawned one me that I should not say goodbye. Instead, I let them go to a place where they'll be happier and they'll be in the best position to look after me/us. :)

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, Ai. :)

Badeth May 27, 2010 at 12:48 PM  

Cry to your heart's content. Cry your goodbye. Cry, and decide when to stop crying when you're ready.

I can feel you. I am just here for you.

Rodj May 29, 2010 at 1:11 AM  

Someone once said, “Pain is a part of life… Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that your alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark…”
Unfortunately for us, pain leaves a mark that’s hard to forget.
Things happen throughout our days where we find ourselves in a totally different place then where we expected to be before we set off on our little journey of life. Why this happens, many people can argue that “Its because of this….its because of that”
Either way it happens. We get hurt. We FEEL pain.
However, God CAN stand by you during your time of grief. No, things won’t go back to where they were but when you allow yourself to go through the process of healing, you allow another path to be created. A path that has a new ending. Created by God, and walked upon with Love.

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:23 AM  

Cindy said...
I am sorry AI.. I am not expert about this but when my father passed away, i kept my father in my heart and i never said goodbye. Just let go and we'll cry all together *hugs*. Be safe, ok.

. . . . .

I'll remember this, Cinds.
Thank you. *hugs back*

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:24 AM  

Chelo said...
"Tell me, how does one say goodbye?"

..You dont..You just say "i love you".


*hugs to you*...

. . . . .

You are right, Chel.
There are no goodbyes for people who love each other.

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:25 AM  

Mommy Blogs said...
I wish it's as easy as saying goodbye. You have to get thru the worse days of your life before you finally become better.

I feel for you Ai... I still do get bouts of crying episode whenever I remember my father.

*hugs*

. . . . .

Thank you for feeling for me, T.
At this point, that's what I need --
people who understand what I'm feeling.
*hugs back*

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:27 AM  

julai said...
Hello Ate Ai,

Have a safe trip to Cebu ate..I'm feeling the pain too ate after reading your post.:( I know it's so difficult. Just cry whenever you want to ate coz it helps to lessen the pain. You'll be healed from the pain as time goes by Ate.

Take care always.

. . . . .

Crying does help ease the pain, Jul, you are right. :)

You take care, too. Always. :)

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:28 AM  

Tita Lou said...
Oh Ai. I am so sorry to hear about your grandma's passing away. It is painful and I don't know how you can ease the pain. In time . . . for now, you know she's in the hands of the Almighty.

. . . . .

Thank you, Tita Lou.
I comfort myself by saying that she's with her Creator now.

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:30 AM  

Meikah said...
Well, you don't say goodbye, but you let go. I grew up with my paternal grandparents and I saw them pass on. It was hard really, especially that I wanted them to meet my husband (at least) first before they go.

As one of their only two "apos," and the older one at that, I was busy during the wake and all, and that was when it dawned one me that I should not say goodbye. Instead, I let them go to a place where they'll be happier and they'll be in the best position to look after me/us. :)

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, Ai. :)

. . . . .

I got the same realization, too, Mei.
About not saying goodbye, but instead, just let go.
Thank you for sharing your own personal experience.
Grandparents rock, no? :)
And thank you for keeping us in your prayers.

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:31 AM  

Badeth said...
Cry to your heart's content. Cry your goodbye. Cry, and decide when to stop crying when you're ready.

I can feel you. I am just here for you.

. . . . .

Crying truly helps, Badeth.
Thank you for always being there.
It was so nice to talk with you during the wake.

Aileen Siroy June 1, 2010 at 1:35 AM  

Rodj said...
However, God CAN stand by you during your time of grief. No, things won’t go back to where they were but when you allow yourself to go through the process of healing, you allow another path to be created. A path that has a new ending. Created by God, and walked upon with Love.

. . . . .

It's true, things will never be the same again.
But the thought of creating a new path
with a new ending in the process of healing
is such a comforting thought.
I'll hold on to this.
Thank you, Rodj, for sharing your thoughts.

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